Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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