please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
