They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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