Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
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