My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
