Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
