Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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