You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.