ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
BRING THE BAGELS
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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