What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
