his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Randomize
