i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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