I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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