I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Randomize
