I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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