dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
