someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
