Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
