So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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