walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
