before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
