just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
