I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
When did angry sex become our thing?
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
