Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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