After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
