i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
