Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
