Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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