i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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