I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Randomize
