what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
