I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
