I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
