my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
