so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
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Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
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I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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