I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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