Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
