Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
