That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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