I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
