Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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