Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
