I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
It's shark week go big or go home
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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