i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
