At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
from now on my penis is your penis
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
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