I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Randomize
