Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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