bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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