And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
even my farts smell like vagina
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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