quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
