I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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