I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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