Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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