my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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