Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
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