Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
