you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
