My friends, they love my intelligence
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
