btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
